i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
