How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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