wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
