I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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