What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
