He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
