The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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