Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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