Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
