just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
