My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
