taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
