i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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