i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
