I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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