i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
