The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
