I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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