I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
