she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
