I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Watching her eat just hurts me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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