don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
