The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
