Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
