I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't deserve a penis
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
