my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
