you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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