so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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