so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
