Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Bring me that man meat
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
