He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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