When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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