She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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