I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
