woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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