Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
