I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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