One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
