I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
