I haven't been this sober since birth.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
