I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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