I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
