You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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