SEEEEXXX PLEASE
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
