I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
