Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
