thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
