The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
