I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
