I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
